Gaga Ooh la la

http://followthefashion.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/lady-gaga.jpg

Ring. Ring.

Hi.  It's reality here.  Look, not too sure, kinda awkward to discuss but I was wondering, I dunno, I might be pre-supposing something here... I guess I'll just come right out and say it, so, um, do you know you're not actually Lady Gaga?

My video-phone is broken and I'm disappointed we can't have this discussion face-to-face, but my girl the Tooth Fairy put in a concerned word after she popped in to pick up your brother's last baby-tooth and caught sight of you sleeping in a giant white perspex coffin.  She said you're doing all kinds of strange things these days.  Covering your face with sparkly sunglasses.  Accusing innocent bystanders of being the Paparazzi.  Dancing like a robot.  Trying to poison people at McDonald's.  Telling people you may or may not be a hermaphrodite.  Forgetting to wear pants.

I'll be honest, I'm pretty concerned.  I mean I have been pretty busy lately, what, with all these confident chubsters rocking out in cut-off denim shorts, leggings replacing pants as a legitimate stand-alone wardrobe functionary, not to mention all those Ponzi schemes I've had to cut down to size.  However, I thought we'd really made some  decent inroads in your childhood.  You got that you were never going to look like Barbie, or create your own nation on the moon and that unfortunately, despite the existence of Ginger Spice, red-heads (or ranga's as they are colloquially identified) are destined to a life of mockery.  We discussed the fact that yes, Ricky Martin was gay, even though he took years to come out and had pretty much settled the debate over the chances of anyone ever finding Osama. What has happened?

I understand you're yearning for a role-model, attempting to differentiate yourself from the crowd, be cool and fit in with all those other hipsters.  Sadly, for you, Lady Gaga is not a realistic aspiration.  Given that you aren't dancing for 6 hours a day and a size zero - pants are pretty much obligatory.  For your sake, and the sake of others.  Also, that giant bow on your head- not cool.  You look like a badly wrapped (and unwanted) Christmas present slash an over sized and under-dressed Japanese anime fan.  Poisoning people, also- probably not such a good idea.  The legal implications (murder convictions etc) are probably not worth the pleasure you get from emulating Lady G.

 I just don't think Lady Gaga is for you.  Great for TV, not so conducive to real-life translation.

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know.  I'll be back sometime soon, probably around bikini shopping time (just in case those 3-way mirrors don't perform adequately enough in damaging any small shreds of confidence you may have).  Take care, until then...

Reality

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